Hoping

So much.. It’s not hate.. I wanna say hate but it’s not.. I don’t know what it is. All I know is I wanna move out. Soon. I need a change, and I need it now.

It’s been quite a while since I last posted here.. I wish I was there, like 50% of me wants to go back.. I’m having so many issues here I just want to burst. I feel shortness of breath, I’m bleeding, I don’t need this.

Half of the people say I should make a move on her. The other half say I should wait.

Some people say she’s crazy about me like I am about her. Some people say she’s not interested..

I have absolutely no idea what to do. I get so many mixed signals about her it’s crazy. Some are good and some are real bad. I’m super super confused!

I don’t know what should I do..

I’m so lost in what I think I’ve created. Not planning it, I met a guy and started getting him into my circle of friends and now I feel it’s me against him. I’m so angry at myself because I introduced them in good will and look at how things have changed.

I feel I’m on the edge of reason, feel like I’m about to go crazy.. I am crazy.. I think I’m so fucking in love with my best friend and I have no clue how to act, what to do.. I need guidance. Desperately.

Today I’ve had enough of myself.

I’m a mess. I keep criticizing the world when I’m not able to look at myself in the mirror and notice any flaws. I’m a hypocrite.

There are several things I do right now that I used to frown upon. Drugs. Alcohol. Bets. Tobacco. I loathed these things. Now I do them.

Today I stop.

Because I won’t drink a beer again. Won’t smoke a joint again. Won’t smoke a cigarette. Won’t bet anymore.

As of today, I haven’t drunk any alcohol in the past 3 days, haven’t smoked any tobacco or weed since yesterday and haven’t bet anything in 15 days..

I need to quit all of these. Now.

I am in control of my body and my actions. I can do this.

Quite a while since I last posted, 1, maybe 2 months.

Everything was going good with life (or at least that’s what I thought) until today. I won’t go into details and I’m not in the mood for writing, I just want to rest right now.. I’ll post something tomorrow.

I know we’ve been drinking and you’ve been lying in the bed for quite a while you’re extremely tired. There are just so many things I wanna tell you but I just can’t find the right time to bring me to say it. I think there’s a connection between you and me other than just being friends. I see you there with your precious eyes closed and that perfect smile.. It was the best being with you this weekend, I’m grateful :)..

I think I’m done writing about basic existencial problems and start acting as a blogger unless I remember something else to talk about.

Going back to Canada tomorrow and hopefully everything will turn out ok. I miss my friends and just wanna hang out with them again.

I’m having dinner right now with my family as this is supposed to be a goodbye party :).

This night I’ll drive to Mexico City and the flight to Canada is at 7am so I have to be somewhat early at the airport, probably won’t sleep too well tonight.

Anyway, I’m sort of nervous and not in the mood to keep writing, so I’ll end this :).

Thanks for reading!

First off, I’m not in the mood for writing and I’m sort of stressed out because I fly back on Tuesday and I’ve got nothing ready yet. Anyway.

I was working a little bit using my laptop this afternoon when I realized I haven’t been paying that much attention to social life lately. Sure, I’ve got 500 friends on facebook (who doesn’t) but I don’t see it as being social.

I’ve actually been trying to avoid encounters with other people and been focusing on being with my family.

I’ve literally spent the weekend either working on the computer while watching movies or watching the Lost marathon on TV (I’m a Lost avid viewer and I’m extremely excited about this being the last season).

Anyway! Going off in tangents much eh?

The family for me is one of the most important things in life. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am now and I like to sort of repay them with me being with them.

I want a family in the future for sure. Me being part of a couple and raising kids has been one of my dreams since grade school.

I want my kids to feel like I do about my parents. We’re not a perfect family but we’re pretty close I think :P.

Ah! I’m tired. See you later this week, thanks for reading.

I told you it’d be short.

Last night after writing the last post I threw up a little.

Anyway.

Been listening to a bunch of love songs lately, and one that always strikes me as odd (good odd) is the Starstrukk song by 3oh!3.

What does it say about love? It says:

L-O-V-E is just another word I’ll never learn to pronounce.

Every other love song involves trying to understand the damned word. That’s why it seemed odd to me.

What do I think about the 4 lettered feeling?

First off, it’s completely ok for family!! I don’t see a problem with you saying it to blood related people! The problem comes when you say it to someone you barely know. The problem is bigger if the other person says it to you. Especially if you’re conscious of barely knowing the other person (by this I mean not in what you call being in love).

Where do I get this from? I’ve been on both sides of the situation, being told by someone and saying it.

Whenever people ask me of my marital status (if it can be called that) I answer I am single and just out of a very destructive relationship. Even though it’s somewhat true, it’s also true that this happened over 2 and a half years ago.

Why do I lie? It’s not the first time I ask myself that question. Am I afraid of a new relationship? One thing is sure, I miss that person. Do I love that person? If i do then that love is no way near as the one I have for family members or even friends.

What? Did I say friends?

Oh yes. There are at least 5 people in the world I really know that I love. They’re friends. Do they know about Hoping? No they don’t. But that’s not the point. I’ll tell my sad story now.

We met one year before starting dating, partly on me being stupid and the other person liking someone else. As things started happening and we started being good friends, I moved away and the other person still liked someone else, so I figured no harm done. As soon as I moved away and started creating this distance between us, the other person started seeing me differently and started acting different, sweet even. After half a year of me being away I came back and we started dating for a week. But I had to go back. My whole life was here, not there with the other person. We agreed on being together even if I was away. A month later I came back and the “I love you” thing started. I honestly can’t remember who said it first. I came back, but as physical distance grew, we missed each other more every day, which started us being hard on each other.

To add to this, the other person’s family started acting against me because we caused each other rough times. And so the relationship became something that wouldn’t let me go to school or work because of “love” and being with her during the mornings, and hating each other’s guts during the night. Of course everyday ending with “I love you”.

After a couple of more months I realized I had given my friends up, my family up for this other person who I’d only known for a bit more than a year and that’s when it struck me. Was i saying I love you because I meant it or because of repetition?

I took the decision of not seeing that other person again and it’s been quite a while since that happened. But the story is far from over. I missed her a lot. One year later I went back, and called the other person, we talked for a bit and again we said we loved each other, but again by the end of that week we ended up fighting.

That made me realize what we felt for each other wasn’t love. How can we call it? Fixation? Might be.

Either way, I always end the story with “I’ve moved on” even though I don’t think I’m even close to. Some people say I should go out with someone else and I have, but never to the point of me being in another relationship.

The other time there was an I love you experience was shortly after it all happened. I met someone who was so amazing and cool but unfortunately I said the 4 lettered word a little bit too soon and it all went downhill fast. So fast I actually have seen that person a couple of times after it ended but we don’t say anything other than “how’s it going” anymore.

I don’t deny love exists, it just hasn’t happened to me. And I know a million people who would say that love doesn’t exist, but maybe they haven’t found it yet. I even think there’s a chance some of us won’t ever know couple love, and I’m a strong believer that love is not the only thing we should be living for.

Why do I think it’s a problematic word? Because to our misgrace, we use it too losely, we say it a lot, and without meaning it for sure. That you love someone means you’d do anything for that person, that’s a pretty big responsibility if you ask anyone. Think about it for a week at least before saying that word, and don’t let what happened to me happen to you.

Writing this has actually helped me vent some of what I had inside me, and hope it continues to do so. Thanks for reading all the way through here.

I’ll see you tomorrow.